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The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

12) Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?
11) ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.
10) So -- what are you wearing?
9) Duuuuuude! Bummer!
8) Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.
7) Press 1 for Support.Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.
6) We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.
5) I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
4) In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
3) Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!
2) Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

...and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

1) Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.

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A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."

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The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges

13. Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.

12. Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally as "IE5-10 with time off for good behavior."

11. Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring next competitor.

10. Cancellation of planned "You'll think what WE tell you to think!" ad campaign.

9. United Way contributions redirected towards the "Let's Buy The US Government" fund.

8. Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter quietly tabled.

7. 10:00 AM: Barksdale (CEO of Netscape)visits Gates' office to sign landmark settlement agreement. 10:05 AM: Feeding time for piranhas beneath trap door.

6. "I don't break for software companies" bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines.

5. Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor addled she-male."

4. Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.

3. Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash.

2. Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters. Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death like a baby seal.

and the Number 1 Change at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges...

1. Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed against *his* will.