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English humor

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC"

When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

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You Should Never Hire Anyone...

* whose resume is printed in crayon.

* who asks to be addressed as "Frenchy," "Swifty", or "Your Grace."

* who makes observations such as, "Torquemada, now there was a motivational wizard."

* who hisses at your questions.

* whose "interview suit" is red-and-white checked.

* who prefers to work while sitting in a washtub filled with Roosevelt dimes.

* who carries a $200 attach?case with a SEE ROCK CITY bumper sticker on it.

* who thinks your corporate logo should be redesigned by Hanna Barbera.

* who has an extensive background as a: (a) religious fanatic, (b) paid informant, (c) harbor buoy, (d) human fly, or (e) UFO captive.

* who quotes Leon Trotsky more than four times, Abbie Hoffman more than twice, or Morris the Cat at all.

* who was once discharged for booby-trapping his (or her) Rolodex.

* who breaks into racking sobs when asked to name a personal reference.

* whose resume is self-incriminating.

* who demands repeated assurances that your firm hires "only the undead."

* who says, "For sure," more times than you can keep count of.

* who wears a Walkman -- or carries a cassette player the size of a life raft.

* whose resume includes extensive dialogue.

* who took his (or her) MBA at Ernie's University in Reno, Nevada, or from any institution of higher learning whose address is a post office box.

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Top Ten Reason's You May Be In The Twilight Zone Chat Room:

10) Someone with your screen name is typing what you were just thinking.

9) The emoticons are calling your name!

8) 14 yr. olds are trying to arrange meetings with you!

7) The keyboard begins typing by itself.

6) The people you chat with actually look like their picture!

5) Everyone was just waiting for you to show up.

4) No one is being obnoxious.

3) You suddenly find yourself fluent in all net lingo!

2) No one is trying to direct you to a porn site.

And the number one reason you may be in the TwilightZone Chat Room is...

1) Everyone is who they say they are!

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Help, We're Lost!

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!" Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

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Lost Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE, AM?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

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Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

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10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

3. Occasionally, your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!

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True Tech Support Stories ...

- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

- Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

- - Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

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A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket & asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

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I was on Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded. Flight attendant said over the intercom,"We're sorry for the delay the machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly

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True Tech Support Stories ...

- Tech Support: "Ok Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

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Andy: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Henz: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Andy: "A judge told him."

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Malborn sat in his attorney's office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?"asked Malborn incredulously."I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress."

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:
"Iron rusts from disuse,stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen: even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind."
--Leonardo da Vinci

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Things To Do When You Are Bored ...

- When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.

- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

- Drum on every available surface.

- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strands, winding it around your finger.

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John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?". "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

~ INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:
Love doesn't make the world go round love is what makes the ride worthwhile
--Franklin P. Adams

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

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A girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair & sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?" The mother replied,"Well, every time that you do something wrong, make me cry or unhappy,one of my hairs turns white. The girl thought about this revelation a while and said "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Some New Error Messages Planned for Microsoft Windows 2000 !!!

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Play again?
9) Windows: 'Mistake! Shall I format your brain?'
10) God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

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More True Tech Support Stories...

--AST technical support had a caller complaining that her Mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

--A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

--A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" command and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

--Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

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It's graduation day. Everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!" The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have 5 apples in my right hand & five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?"he asked. Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Jon another chance, give Jon another chance!"

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Judi had just returned to United States from a month-long trip to Europe. She'd been to England, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Switzerland. Andy met her at the airline gate, hugged her, and asked,"So, how was your trip?" Oh it was terrible,she replied."the whole place is just full of foreigners.

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Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer...

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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You know you spend too much time on the Web, when...

--Your best friend is Max, and you haven't even met him yet.

--You, your dog and your hamster all have web sites.

--Your opening line in a bar is, "So what's you website address?"

--Your sliding off a cliff in your car and your looking for the Back Button.

--You name your son, Yahoo.com.

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My relatives were gathered for reading of my Last Will & Testament after my long awaited death. The lawyer opened the envelope and read solemnly: "Being of sound mind and body, I spent every last cent before I died."

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One day, I was working at a help desk and a lady called "Will I be able to send emails and surf the Internet if I plug my laptop into the cigarette lighter in my car?" "No, Mam. You need to connect to a cable modem or a phone wire" I replied. "Well, how come I can use my cell phone to talk to someone when it is hooked to the cigarette lighter?"

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Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

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Classic Bill Gates Quote!

"There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft"

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A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

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My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair." The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

~ INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE
"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable."

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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry,"replied young man,"is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that total was $127.50."How can that be?"he asked"I only purchased a few things! "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them."

~ INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE
When you doubt yourself you doubt everyone else as well. What is thought to be fear of others is really distrust of self... - Anon