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English humor

1. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

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2. Quick Wit:

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

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3. A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

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4. What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.

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5. The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

He says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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6. The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

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7. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first

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8. What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A leech will drop off a dead body.

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9. There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

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10. "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"

Veronica B. of Norman, OK won $100 playing Friday December 1st's MailBits Challenge. Could you be the next winner? Check this Friday's mailings for a new Challenge. You've gotta' play to win!

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11. In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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12. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

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13. A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

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14. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

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15. "This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me, the copilot, and one of our flight attendants. This is a recording."

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16. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

Roseanne E., Cookeville, TN won $100 playing Friday December 8th's MailBits Challenge. Could you be the next winner? Check this Friday's mailings for a new Challenge. You've gotta' play to win!

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17. A Perfect Man And Woman

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man... A male's response:

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

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18. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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19. Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

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20. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

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21. A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

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22. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

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23. Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."

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24. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.