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English humor

Family Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last 600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." the brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.

The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

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New Employee

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

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Olympic Village

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a blonde simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

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Coffee Break

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

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Renounce Satan!

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.

"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."

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Final Exam

Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers.

She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by her desk and asked if she was ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

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How women annoy men...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

8. Get mad at them for everything.

9. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

10. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

11. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

12. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.

13. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

14. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.

15. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

16. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

17. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

18. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

19. Leave out the good parts in stories.

20. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

21. Criticize the way they dress.

22. Criticize the music they listen to.

23. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

24. Try to change them.

25. Try to mold them.

26. Try to get them to dance.

27. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

28. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting.

29. Blame everything on PMS.

30. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

31. Read into everything..

32. Over-analyze everything.

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Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

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The Lawyer and the Rancher

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

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New Mercedes

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

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Stranded on a beach

A young, single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island.

As he surveys the shore, he sees a woman passed out in the sand. He performs CPR on her, and he saves her life. Then he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they make passionate love morning, noon and night. It's Heaven on earth.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" Cindy asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says, "if it'll help."

He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts them on.

"Okay, now would you put on my hat, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the eastern perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction, west. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with...!"

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Take what you want

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want." The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Poker Game

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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Ten Million Dollars

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other menís names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

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Evils of Drugs

Gatiep and Frankie were picked up by the cops for smoking' dope and appeared in court on Friday before the Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to Frankie "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o"...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" said the Judge.

To Gatiep the judge said, "And you, how did you do?" "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles: o O" and said (pointing' to the small circle) "this is your asshole before going to prison..."

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Blondes in the old west

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"

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Transportation Project

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

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New Secretary

Mr. Smith hired himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Smith, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark. But later, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."